Internship at PCMC was supposed to be "exciting"

THIS BLOG WILL CONTAIN NOTHING BUT RANTS AND NEGATIVE STUFF. SO I ADVICE THAT YOU DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT LIKE READING NEGATIVE STUFF.

I only write blogs on here whenever I have no one to talk to. I have friends but Im not sure who to share this with cause I want someone who can really listen to me and not just say "Ok lang yan, kaya mo yan 'kaw pa!" after they hear or know about my problem. It just doesn't make things better. Doesn't make me FEEL better. It just annoys me actually. It only shows that they don't really understand what you're going through and that they do not really care at all. It is so easy for them to say because they're not in my position. So it's hard to find someone who will really talk to you about the matter and not just settle for those words to try and comfort you. So this is my problem #1. 

Before I got into PCMC, I was getting tips from other interns that the hospital was not really a good choice. Well, when we were asked to write our hospital choices, I considered PCMC at first because of Mark Magboo. He worked there as an intern. And I feel stupid right now for saying that and doing that. Anyway...I changed the hospitals to NCH and Heart Center. But it seems that our Internship Coordinator looked through the liquid paper where I erased PCMC and changed it to NCH. When we went to the place for interview, the interns tipped us that the hospital is not a good choice and we should not have went to the interview. They said no one was really applying to that hospital because of its reputation. We could have gotten a better one if we skipped the interview. Turns out they were right. I have classmates who did not get through PCMC and they were assigned to better hospitals. One got assigned to DLS-STI. And she's so fuckin lucky. Out of my 8 or more classmates that were interviewed, there were only 3 of us who got in. I thought it was a good thing at first. I felt proud of myself esp when they training officer said that they only get the upper 20% of students from the class who are assigned to them. So I was like "whoa..did not know I was that smart." But then I realized, after all the shit that happened to me, they did not even interview the whole class and they have not even seen every transcript! So self-esteem reduced to 50. haha 

We had our orientation last April 27,2012 and damn we're really proud of our new uniform. We were too excited to become an intern and work in the hospital and deal with patients. Too bad, my excitement turned to dust when I started last May 2. I don't see patients, I don't deal with patients. I deal with their urine and stool from 8am to 5pm. I only see patients when I go out to the reception area. I'm actually assigned to Clinical Microscopy section. It deals with body fluids and stuff like stool, urine, saliva, sputum, CSF and the like. I don't really have a problem dealing with urine and stool cause I have my gloves and I'm far from getting my hands right into those things so no problem with that. Stool is really easy to process and prepare and because only the med tech staff gets to read the specimen and the encoding of results really is no sweat at all. THE URINE. That's my biggest problem and is killing the shit outta me since first day. The fuckin urine. The routine is just simple. Pour the urine in the test tube and feed it into the machine. Sounds easy right?! Wait 'til the results get out. So after entering the specimen barcode in the computer, we just have to feed the specimen in the machine and wait for like 5 minutes or so. The result part really is the tricky one cause we have to copy everything important on the request form. After copying, the staff will check it then you have to edit and encode it afterwards. This is the part where I mostly fuck up. There are codes for every parameter and you have to correctly type those codes. And there are different codes for those parameters. Since I'm new, I always mix the codes or sometimes forget to change them. And you have to add BACTERIA, the fuckin thing that I always forget to add in the results. So for short, I forget things and get confused esp when I feel pressure. I feel they compare me from my partner who I think is doing pretty well. I did not say he never made a mistake though. He did actually. But sometimes, he's so lucky that I know how to cover him up. And I'm not so lucky to get the same benefit. Anyway, that's not really a problem. And I also hate the fuckin casts and crystals. Some should be deleted from this part and should be added to that part. You know, it's really confusing for me. That's why I take too long to print the result and still make a mistake in the end. How frustrating right? Then one time, I was doing nothing so I tried to clean up. I threw the processed urine. After a while, we encountered the problem so the staff demanded for the sample. But I said I threw them away! I think she got annoyed. I did not know that we should not throw things before official results are out. I was just trying to do my job. I don't want to be someone who just sits there and stare at the wall while my partner is doing something. So she said, "Wag ka muna gumawa dyan. Ako nalang." Thank god there is still sample left or I'll be so dead. So that really made me sad. And then, yesterday, the machine was not working so a technician went in to fix it. After I poured the urine in the test tube, I heard her told me to run it cause the machined was already fixed. So I ran the specimen. The problem is, I forgot to enter the specimen barcode on the computer. If that happens, it's going to use the previous bar code and there'll be duplication of bar codes. So I had to rerun the specimen. :'( Then today, I mistakenly processed the urine for urinalysis without verifying the request form. They requested for urine cs. So I should not have processed that because the other section were supposed to do that first. Then, when we were editing the template for other tests because there was a request for urine pH. The original template should contain only 1 worksheet. This record is on excel btw. So we opened two files. One with the original template and the other with the rest of  proccessed tests apart from urinalysis. The original contains 3 worksheets when we opened it. So she said transfer the other two to the other file. I did. I saved it. But one file errored while saving. I closed the error window. Thinking that the worksheet with the rest of the tests was saved and the original template errored, I closed the former. Cause the error window was really showed on the Original template. I saved the template again then I thought everything was fine. When I opened the test file, all the fuckin records were gone!!!! I was really pissed off that time. So I had to type everything over again. Thank god I can type pretty fast so I finished them right away. But the disappointment that you'll hear from the staff, that's what made me feel bad. She was not really directly referring to me but I can feel that I annoyed her. Actually she has a really long patience. She is really calm. She was like "Kainis. Kung kailan toxic dun pa nagloloko." Not her exact words actually. But I think that's the same context as far as I can remember. But she said it calmly. I finished typing them real fast though. Cause there weren't really any codes for that part and I was just directly copying the previously printed results. Thank god they have that or I'll be too dead again. haha But she complimented me after I retyped it. She said "Oh ang galing ah. tapos agad. Ang bilis naman. Nag-cr lang ako tapos na agad." I just hoped she meant it. Then the other results got stacked up. And I was really not in the mood anymore. I was pissed off, pressured, stressed. There were like 4 results for encoding. And I took a really long time to encode them cause I was avoiding any mistakes again. And after printing them out, I still got something wrong! See how frustrating that is?!! My partner was working on the urine metabolism which we were supposed to do together. The other staff, younger one, a guy, said to my partner "Sisihin mo si Bianca. Ang bagal magtype e." But it was in a joking tone although he meant it. I can finish typing those fuckin results in 5 minutes if only the program doesn't have codes that are different from their codes. And that urine metabolism made me excited when we received it cause finally! We will process something without using the machine. We will use the method that we used at school so it's like a breath of fresh air for me. But in the end, only my partner was able to do it because of the encoding. The only thing that could have made my day was taken away. :( 

And this is really frustrating for me since the first day. I'm trying really hard to do my best. I come on time, and since the first day we're always taking an OT. We never leave a specimen unfinished. We finish everything before we leave. I take our lunch late and come back earlier than the time. I actually eat for only 15 mins or so even though we have an hour of lunch break. But there's a reason behind that actually. I eat all alone in the canteen cause my partner and I can't both have breaks together. We are shifting when it comes to lunch break. I take my lunch at 11.30 and he takes his after I come back til 1.30. Then sometimes its vice-versa. And I dont know my co-interns yet and most of them are classmates so I shy to join them. So yeah...looks like all my efforts are thrown away because of my mistakes. :( 

Sad thing is that, I feel worse when I read my classmates' post about their duties. They are enjoying internship while I'm suffering at PCMC. And the other thing that makes it harder for me is that I can't share this to anyone like face to face. I don't want to be perceived as a failure you know. And I don't want to share this with anybody who wouldn't really understand. Who would just think that they are enjoying their internship while I'm ranting about mine to them. It's gonna make me feel worse about myself. When my mom picks me up after duty, I sit there beside here quietly. She asks me questions and I know she wants me to tell her how I did that day. But I just can't. I can feel that she was so proud of me when I got through 3rd year. And I don't want to disappoint her so I kept quiet. I know she's the only person whom I can talk to without judging me. But she told me this when I told her one failure story "Bawal dun ang lalamya lamya. Dapat alisto ka. Kundi kaiinisan ka dun." And this kept me paranoid everytime I make a mistake at duty. Every single time. That's why I get so pressured and pissed off at myself everytime mistake happens. 

I have actually shared this to a friend through text. And he said I shouldn't be too hard on myself cause it's like a new thing. I've only been 3 days on this duty. And he said that I can do it. That's the thing that kind of worsens the feeling. I don't know if I am wrong that I don't believe on these words. Well, maybe I can but the timing is not right. So right now I feel like Im traumatized. Everytime I smell something that's similar to the smell of our staff's shampoo, her hair smells really good btw, I always remember the traumatic feeling I've been having every single day I am in that lab. Or even just the smell of the lab. So yeah..this is a pretty long blog O_O But I don't care. This is better cause nobody would dare to read it. haha