Monday, January 20, 2014

OH-EM-GEE

Last saturday, Jan 18, 2014,  I was at SM North with my parents because they had to run a few errands. But it was also the day we bought a gadget which my mom promised us. So, we went to Power Mac to finally buy the promised Ipad Air. I was so pumped and jumpy and kind of talkative. When kuya finally gave us one, my mom thought of buying the case there as well. While we were searching for the one, my dad saw this celebrity. It was Carlo Aquino! He was like 3 steps behind us. I didn't panic at first. He was my childhood crush though. When we were at the cashier about to pay, my sister said somebody asked a picture with him. So, a little shaky, I said I want one, too! Believing that my sister was a pro when celebrities are around, I asked her if she could ask Carlo for me. But she chickened out. So, my mom said, "ako na.." I didn't hear how she asked him because I started panicing already. But I asked her how she did it after that. And then, we my sister took the picture! I was sooooooo giddy. haha And here it is!


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I was expecting him to put his arms behind me or around me like a normal celeb would usually do but he didn't. -_- Kind of a let down. And I really thought he was suplado cause after we took the pic of course I'd say thank you. It took me courage to look at his eyes and say thanks. But he didn't turn his head at me. He was just looking straight, nodding a teeny tiny bit. Not sure if he was using his peripheral vision. But sometimes you can know if someone is when they are looking straight ahead at nothing. But I didn't know what he was looking at. haha After that my sister and I stayed a bit far from them. Then I told her, "Ang sungit naman, ni hindi nga ko tinignan e!". She said it was normal for celebs to do that because it's their private time and we're kind of invading it. I didn't buy it. My sister then saw him talking to my dad!! And we were really curious what they were talking about. Then few sec after, she said that he was looking at our direction (or checking us out). It might sound a little Fil-Am but that's what she said. She didn't have  a hint of crush on Carlo just to be clear. So, it's either she's making fun of me or she's telling the truth. I can't say for sure cause I didn't look back. I tried to use my peripheral vision but I couldn't really tell. The first time he did that, my sister moved away to the other table. I followed her of course, with panghihinayang. And then, while we were chatting, she said that he did it again! This time I didn't turn to even try to look. We went back to our parents who were taking a bit long in paying. Carlo was already behind them. I was trying to be cool as if he was a normal person talking to my dad. It was like 5 minutes of playing it cool. hahaha I had fun though! :)) Then when we were about to leave, my mom forgot the receipt so the cashier called her. Then Carlo butt in!! He's like, "Akin nalang! Ako nalang po kukuha ng resibo nyo." He was joking of course. I thought he was being a gentleman. But then I thought, heh maybe he'll use it for the tax thingy. Then we proceeded at the center table where kuya will assemble the case and apply the screen protector. He and his girlfriend was walking out when my sister said, "O tumingin na naman ulit dito!". And I saw it cause I was facing him this time. He turned his head at us. Although I'm still not quite sure if he really was looking at us/me. HAHAHAHA Us is better. haha Cause I don't want to sound conceited or anything. :))

When we got out of the store my parents said he was really really nice. He was talking to them and even tried joking.  I had a contradicting situation. hahaha So I told them. My mom said maybe he was just being careful because he didn't want to make her jealous or something. And I'm like, whaaat. I'm just a fan. Eh, you know how moms are. But my mom is different. She always tells the truth, HAHAHAHAHA! Still, I didn't buy her theory. I still don't know what I did wrong. But I'm thankful that he was okay to take a picture with me! haha

Happy Ending is so Overrated

The title might sound a little pessimisstic but we have to accept that it's the truth. Fairy tales made us believe in the concept of destiny and happy ending. And as an adult, I was gullible enough to believe them.

Once, I thought it was destiny. I didn't notice that I was holding onto the word for so long that I used it as an excuse for hoping for something to happen. To cut the long boring intro, I had a big crush on this guy back in gradeschool, 2002, in Bulacan. I thought i was inlove! It was a crazy intense feeling. He's all over my journal entries and obviously my mind that time. And I thought that someday I'd be able to meet him. But no. I never did. How could I? I was in 4th grade and he's a freshmen. Gradeschool passed and then highschool came. I went to USTHS, forgot about him and then before I knew it, highschool was over. Got into Medtech, 2009, and then the crazy destiny thing happend.

One school night, I had free time on my hands but I was not too tired to sleep. I rummaged through my school stuff hoping to find something to read. I found the Purple Gazette, a college magazine. I've passed through its pages for a few times before but never really get to read tiny details. It was close to midnight, everyone's asleep. A page caught my attention. It has pictures and names. A photography page. And to my surprise, his name popped like it was just placed there few secs ago. My heart was pounding so hard. I was so surprised I could literally scream. But i can't. Who knew that he'd be in the same school and same course. He was a senior that time, 2009. I didn't even think that that person might be a different one, just with the same name.

My belief in destiny has never gotten that strong before. It was what gave me hope. Then I thought, I've been walking within the walls of UST for 4 years without knowing he's in it too.

An old friend, a neighbor back in Bulacan, got in touch with me for some reason. And then a few chats later, when i was comfortable enough to ask him, I asked about Mark. He said that they were classmates back in highschool. Destiny bell rang again. I thought he'd be the answer. But no.

After few months (not sureif it's been months or a year but it was in 2010), a guy messaged me on fb. He was a schoolmate, but I never knew him. We became friends and when I knew he's from the same school (Trinitas school), I asked about Mark again. He said that he knows him(Mark)...because he is the bestfriend of Mark's sister. And he said it clear that he and Mark know each other personally. Destiny bell rang a lot louder!! And a lot crazier. Got my hopes so far up i really thought I would be able to finally meet him. But I can't be that selfish to hurt this nice guy's feelings. Cause he confessed that he likes me. I'm not the user friendly type so I forgot about meeting him through this guy.

By the time I got into second year he would already be out in the world. That's what I thought. So, I decided to forget about him and move on...again.


Second year, class picture taking (2nd half of 2010) by the Arch of the centuries. Everyone's pumped up. I was on the side with my friends, waiting for the photographer to give our places. Our adviser standing by the photographer, was approached by three Med guys. And he surprised me again!! He was one of them. Why didn't I think of that? That medtech might be his premed and not his real goal? And it's not a new thing. My friends then started to know about him. Ding ding ding, destiny told me.


Valentine's day of 2011. Just a glance of him that day, I'd be contented. We had a quiz for pharmacology the next day so I kinda used that as an excuse to study in the library...at the FMS building. Haha! But, got totally disappointed. I almost went home in pieces. Around 5pm, my friend and I decided to call it a day. I stayed at the AMV facade, waiting for my mom to pick me up (kinda embarassing haha). Looking at the ground, feeling really really sad that I didn't even get to see him. It was the least that I could have for that day but my prayer wasn't answered. And then when looked up, I saw him pass by...like 2 feet in front of me. I couldn't control my facial reaction. Shock, happiness...they were mixed up in there. I wasn't sure if his friend saw me, but he gave Mark a pat on the back after turning his head at my direction. I was sooooooooooo HAPPY!!! Happy might not even be enough to describe what i felt that time. He and his friends stood there for a few sec so I was able to enjoy a few seconds of Valentine's day. And i was praying, thank you Lord for this!! When my mom got there and stopped the car in front of them, I had to play it cool while getting in. That was by far, the MOST memorable Valentine's day I've ever had. No flowers and cheesy shits, but I was happy. Looking back, I still can't believe how that happened. 


One break time, back in third year college, I had this kind of intuition thing. There were like 10 of us who decided to chill at Cerealicious dapitan. When I entered, I had this feeling, like literally out of nowhere, that I was going to see him there. Believe or not, it felt genuine...not to mention weird. Even I can't explain exactly what I felt that time. My friends and I were talking about funny things and he was nowhere in my head then all of a sudden that picture popped. Fifteen minutes later, 4 Med students entered. 2 guys, 2 girls. He was one of the guys. And I was like, "Sabi ko na e! Sabi ko na e!". I can't believe what just happened. It was really fun, though. We were playing the hot seat game so we took a video. And up to now I'm glad we did. haha!


2012 came, my internship year, 4th year. When we were asked to choose a hospital we'd like to work at, at first I chose PCMC. He was there as an intern. But I changed my mind. Cause I don't see the point anymore. I thought I slowly letting go of destiny shits. So, I wrote NCH and Heart Center instead. But destiny doesn't want to let go of me. I got assigned at PCMC. Now, I got to meet even more people who knew him. But no. None of them was the answer.


I graduated BS Medtech in 2013. I applied for medicine that year but I didn't get in. I was hoping to catch up for his last year 
in med. But it wasn't for me. HE wasn't for me.


So that's how destiny played with me for years since 2002. But I've learned my lesson. This wasn't destiny. I thought that it was because I wanted to have a connection to him. A connection that would never exist so I had to make it up myself. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Failure is not a Reason for Quitting

Becoming a physician is certainly easier said than done. But most people I know in my field are willing to struggle and become real life zombies just to have those two letters tied to their names. They do, however, have various reasons why they want to pursue medical school. For some, it's their parents dream for them, or it's a family thing, and others just want the prestige of being called a doctor. There are a lot of other reasons out there, though. 


Mine just came out of nowhere. Kidding haha! I actually do not remember how I started to want to be a physician. But it was way back in my childhood. I don't know where I got the idea because no one in my family was a doctor back then. Except that time when my cousin decided to be one. That is when I started to have a firm decision to be a doctor someday. Back when everything was fine, we would always go to their house and have a sleepover. Everytime  the adults talk about  his medschool, I am always  in awe. I really think it was super cool. So, I headed in that direction ever since. 


UST became my target school and I was lucky to get in the uni starting high school. After that, I took medical technology as my premed. It was funny how I actually got there. I didn't have a clue what a good premed would be. I really had no idea at all except for nursing which was booming that time. We get to have two choices. So, I chose nursing and mt. Fortunately, I didn't get into nursing. It's not that I'm bashing it or anything. I just thought that mt  was something that was for me. I loved it even though  I had a really tough time. Too bad, though, I didn't get to practice it aside from the 10-month internship in 4th year.  


Along the way, I had gained more knowledge  about going to and being in med school. And that made me think twice. They said that we are going to go through third year mt, which is the hardest part of the course, again. But this time it's tougher. Although fear has been masking my thoughts, I still tried to apply for the next school year. But I failed to get in. So, I took care of my boards and the ASCPi exam first. With His blessing, I passed them both. Now, with the trauma of failing the entrance last time, I TRIED to conquer my fear and pride and reapplied. My first two NMAT scores were really bad. Maybe that's why they didn't let me in. (But thank God for that, I get to focus on my boards. Now, i have two titles on my name which I don't know when I'm gonna be able to use.). But this time, I get to study and prepare for it. And I got something not bad. But it's something way too far from my first two. So, I think I was kind of satisfied with my score. 


Everytime I think about the things I've been through in college, and then apply that to what I'm going to experience in med, only, twice as hard, the second thought of not carrying on is always there. But a thought, like a voice from my angel, crossed my mind. I was laying down trying to catch sleep while thinking about the future. I asked, what if I still don't get in this time? It'd be disappointing. But I also have this plan of working abroad. This working thing came to me when my friends started to have their own work and have their own money. There is plan B! Then I thought, would I still be happy if I ditch my dream and decide to be practical instead? Could money fulfill me as much as it could provide me with material things? Then I visualized myself: working in the ER, talking blood samples from patients, while observing the doctors do their jobs. The job that I once wanted but gave up on pursuing due to practical reasons. Suddenly, I felt a painful kick of regret. The one that I am sure I would be making for the rest of my life.

REGRET. The biggest mistake and the last thing that I want to do. I don't want to be the observer taking the blood samples and taking doctor's lab requests. I want to be the one who gives them out. I am just a screening away from finally working on my dream. The screening part (exams and all that) is already the start of working on it. Only, I have to wait if I could actually get in. But it is the START. So, if I quit now, I already failed to start fulfilling the dream. 

Wouldn't that be a waste of time planning the future if I quit now? And, I think, I am closer to it more than I was yesterday. And failure is a part of the journey and NOT the reason for quitting. Life is not a race or a competition against other people. Life is a competition against ourselves. If we do fail, whether we decide to pick ourselves up and fight or just give up, it is ourselves who will face the consequence. Not other people. 

YOU, if you want to be the one wearing the white gown with the stet around your neck and having MD beside your name, shut the negativity up and continue moving towards your goal.


Friday, January 10, 2014

1/11/14

I really wish I have total control over my feelings. I want to feel happy. Happy for them. For him. For finally being able to settle down with the girl introduced by Fate. By Destiny. But no. My brain is clouded by things that are rubbish. I don't want to act like something ever  happened. No. Nothing ever really happened. Just a bunch of stories and assumptions happened. But why do I feel like my brain is not making any sense? Making sense in this situation means forgetting what was, even though there really never was and accepting what is. Being able to feel okay and congratulate them makes alot of sense. What else does? In my head right now, nothing is...

Thursday, December 26, 2013

You know too well the ending is not a QUESTION MARK

This is just a part from a journal entry I wrote few months ago. Surprisingly, I find it genuinely stupid. A proof that I am over it. HAHA



Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Made it. Nailed it.

This is the very reason why we started studying since we were a child. We are headed towards this. Well, most of us. But this blog is not going to be about the long and boring story of my childhood school life, nor the narration of my very tedious college life. This will just be about THE END. Which pretty much is the BEGINNING of REALITY.




After graduation, the next step I have to deal with (like a few of my batchmates) is the LICENSURE EXAM. Things did not go pretty much my own way here, though. The original plan was to enter med school, then take the Board exams. But God said, NO.  So, I had no choice but to take the Boards first and try to get in the following school year.

Journey to the 31st of August was not easy. And the mental torture is like aaarrghhh...I can't even describe it in words. The weird dreams at night and those sabaw moments. It's funny when you look back, though. 




We started in the review center in June and it was alright at first. We got lazier and kind of saturated at the end. And it was harder to fight temptations not to study for their exams because we weren't really getting any diploma after we finish the review. 


Cause today I don't feel like doing anything...


The intense urge of the "i really need to study now"  came in like 2nd week of August. Yeah, it's like we were trained to cram in school. But that was how we did college. Pretty much cramming for the exam the night before. But we couldn't do that for the boards. Although, I must admit that I did slightly cram the night of my birthday...


Yep. The day before the big day was my birthday. And luckily, 2, 3 days before the exam, we were transferring to another abode. And that couldn't get any more hassle-er. Reviewing in the middle of all the noise and chaos around the unit. 

But...I made it through. And I am always grateful for that. Despite all the long breaks and lazy moments, and that hassle day, I got through! So for anyone facing the same thing right now, just have FAITH! If He brought you to it, He will surely bring you through it! 


Friday, July 26, 2013

Absolute Boyfriend in Real Life? (SPOILER ALERT!! )

Is it really possible for an absolute boyfriend to exist? Could there really be a perfect boyfriend for all the girls? These kind of questions hit me when I saw the trailer of the Taiwanese romcom series Absolute Boyfriend


Before I get to the corny parts of this blog, I am going to share a short synopsis of the TV series. 




There was this girl named Guan Xiaofei who never had a boyfriend and was constantly rejected by the guys she likes. Since she was a little girl, this same pattern occurs over and over again when one day, a mysterious (and extremely gorgeous hihi) stranger came by and talked to her. Turns out, this stranger was a ghost. Anyway, there came a time when the last guy who rejected her made her think about everything that is great that can be experienced in a relationship and why she gets rejected by every guy that she liked. But destiny was so kind to her that it gave her the most exceptional kind of relationship she never thought she'd have. She met this weird salesman who gave her what she wanted for so long. A boyfriend. The man was working for  secret company who designs robots to be used as a perfect boyfriend. Blah blah blah...this robot was named Nai Te later on by Xiaofei and in the unexpected turn of events, this robot gradually gained self-awareness making him more and more like a human being because of Xiaofei. He was indeed perfect for Xiaofei because she customized him to be perfect. He's absolutely perfect. He was taken for granted at first. But this guy's persistent. He really wanted Xiaofei to be happy so he tried so hard to do everything to make her happy. But human beings are very complex. You can never tell. What can make you happy at the moment can also make you upset in some other time. (Anyway, this blog is getting too long... -__-) Jumping onto the latter parts, Nai Te was slowly malfunctioning because of becoming more human everyday. He was kind of making memories and feelings of his own. He was brought back to the company to get fixed but in order to function normally again, the experts had to reset him and erase all of his past memories with Xiaofei. But as a robot who has been developing human emotions, he was resisting the reset of the computer. Then Xiaofei visited him in the lab and she saw a picture of the mysterious stranger in her dreams. Turns out, the stranger whose looks was patterned for Nai Te was the founder's son and was dead a long time ago. When she got to talk to him, she told Nai Te to forget about her but she was only protecting him from being completely dead. When Nai Te realized her intention, in the end, he escaped from the laboratory and chose to stay with Xiaofei even though he knew that he will stop functioning soon. What Nai Te didn't know is that Xiaofei knew everything about Nai Te's condition when she overheard him talking about it with her bestfriend. In order to make the most of his remaining days, she pretended not to know about it and did everything that would make both of them happy.  They were so much happier when they got back together. They even decided to get married. 2 days before the wedding, Nai Te was experiencing severe malfunctioning like falling asleep too often and he even got blinded for a few minutes. On the night before their wedding day, Nai Te decided to leave Xiaofei because he didn't want her to see him die. But before he could leave the ring, Xiaofei appeared and asked if they could practice the ceremony. When Xiaofei read the parts of the priest to Nai Te, asking him if he could protect her and all that stuff asked to a groom, he couldn't say I DO. And then she told her everything. Then after that he "fell asleep" completely. Few hours later, the company manager came and placed Nai Te back in his capsule to be brought back to the lab. When Zhong Shi, Xiaofei's childhood friend, came, he said that he thought Nai Te still have 10 more seconds to live (because he was researching in their company laboratory on how to fix Nai Te cause he wanted to make Xiaofei happy) although the electricity is not enough to make him function fully. Just enough to let him hear everything. So Xiaofei talked to him and told him I Love You in korean. This was also the last thing he said to her last time he blacked out. After she told him that, a tear fell from his right eye. Which was kind of amazing cause robots don't ever cry. Then the 10 second countdown in his database was shown, showing a flashback of his happy memories with Xiaofei. And that was his last "breath". 

Well, the ending got me crying...almost sobbing. I got really heart broken. But anyway it was just a tv program. haha 


Anyways...

I think, there is really no perfect boyfriend at all. Because basically, no human is perfect. That thing was a robot. A customizable robot. We can't customize people. And besides that, it was a tv program. HAHAHA so anything can happen.


In real life...

It is only us who can decide what perfect IS for us. We have different preferences. But most of the time, these preferences doesn't really come to us. We have this sort of belief (in the Philippines) that the person you're going to end up with is the kind of person you hate. I don't really see the logic in this thing, but it's LOVE. It doesn't need logic! 

And I think we do not really need to be searching for the perfect ONE. The only thing that we should do is to prepare ourselves to be the perfect one to the person we are going to meet in the future. And that's a lot easier I guess. haha